the thought of more babies

Josiah asked to pull Chia in the wagon on the way to the park yesterday. "She's kind of heavy, Josiah. You can try, but I can help pull, too."

"I do it myself, Mommy!"

And he did do it himself. My oldest was hauling my youngest to the park, and I was left walking behind them, in awe. They're growing up.

Does this mean it's time to have more babies? I've been thinking this way a lot lately. Because, clearly, my babies are not babies anymore. And I'm not used to having a house without babies.

After having kids 13 months apart, I knew it would be a long time before I would get pregnant again. I don't regret having my children this close in age. I have loved being able to watch them grow up together, learn new things together, and become best friends. Their relationship with each other has brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined as a mom.

However, there were a lot of things I missed out on with just Josiah because I was so exhausted with my second pregnancy. He was only 4 months old when I became pregnant with Lucia, having to suck it up, ignore my morning sickness as best as I could, and get through the next 8 months while also learning how to be a mom for the first time.  Once Lucia was born, I felt like I was walking through fog for the next 6 months, loving every minute with my two little babies, but feeling secluded from the world, from my friends, and from myself.

My main focus was my babies, making sure both were fed, both were clean, both took naps, and that both were always happy.  It was the routine of my everyday life, because it was what I was called to do (and am still called to do).  I was never sad or lonely during that time, because I was in the zone, and didn't even have a chance to think about my own feelings.  Looking back, I feel like I was living every day in survival mode, just making sure every single need was met. And I was okay with that.

The fog was lifted when Lucia was around 7 or 8 months old and was finally starting to sleep through the night. The days got easier, my children became more independent, Josiah could finally walk on his own while holding my hand to cross the street, I finally had the courage to take them out in public by myself, and I began to focus on what was going on inside of me for the first time since becoming a mom.

Those first months with two babies have made a huge impact on who I am today and I would not change that experience for anything. It's made me a stronger person and has strengthened my relationship with Christ more than ever before.  I owe it to those first months of selflessness, dependence on God, and lack of sleep for molding who I am today and for the trust I have in Jesus. And now that my children are older and much *easier* to haul around, I'm able to sit back and focus on me, on them, on my husband, and all of the things I couldn't see when that fog was hovering over my head.

But, yes, my baby fever has definitely kicked in, full force, especially after returning from a weekend away holding newborns, and even babysitting my friend's 3 month old on Tuesday. Holding these babies have brought back so many unbelievably special memories that I have made with my own kids. I WANT MORE BABIES...

But, for right now, I am loving this season of being present with both of my kids and learning how to be a more intentional woman in Christ. I feel like God is giving me this time to start focusing on what He wants me to be as a mom of two toddlers, a wife, a friend, and a member of our church community. More babies are in our future, but we're taking our time being present in the now, content with the blessings we currently have, and learning how to be the parents God has called us to be.  Oh, and the luxury of being able to sleep through the night. That's a big one. But, I'll let you know if I feel the same way in a couple of months...